My friend Rebecca over at unexpecting! recently invited me to write a blog post talking about Motherhood Lessons for MomsTalkNetwork. You should go read her post about what she’s learned as a Mom: nobody’s perfect. It’s awesome…and so, so true.

I find it ironic that she invited me when she did. I’ve been mulling this idea over in my head for a couple weeks now. There are a million lessons I’ve learned since becoming a mother almost exactly 5 years ago. Give yourself a break. Take time for yourself. Focus on your marriage. Give lots and lots of hugs. Take deep breaths in crisis moments. Cherish the kairos moments. Go to the gym. Etc, etc.

But, what resonates most with me, at least recently, is this idea of playing to your strengths. I mean…..

If you’re a coach of a football team, would you put your quarterback in as a linebacker?

If you’re a soccer coach, would you put your fullback in as your center forward?

If you’re a choir instructor, would you assign a tenor part to a soprano?

If you’re a manager, would you put your IT guy in front of your biggest prospective client?

Probably, not, right? You’d probably play your strongest team member…the one who has the natural inclination, the “at-bats” experience to succeed, the one who has spent time training just for this moment. Not the one who thinks the should be doing it.

So, why in the world do we do that in our daily lives?

I do it all the time when my brain gets going with the “shoulds”. I should be working. I should be stay at home. I should be doing more/less/different than what I’m doing right now. I have this ideal in my head of what my life should look like. And, guess what? It’s not. Not even close. And you know what? That’s ok. It’s more than ok, it’s absolutely perfect in its own imperfect way.

But, I struggle with reminding myself of that on a regular basis. When the should demons start up, that’s when I start getting annoyed at J because he forgot to bring S’s bunny to school when he dropped off the kids one day. Shouldn’t he know better? We ALWAYS bring bunny. And, now I have to go home, grab bunny, bring her to school, sneak in to S’s class without her seeing me and sneak out without Z seeing me through his adjoining classroom. Ugh.

The should demons guilt trip me into doing bath time with J when all I want to do is finish cleaning up in the kitchen, get lunches packed for tomorrow, and then kiss my sweet kiddos goodnight. Because frankly, I’m pretty much out of steam; it’s been a long day, after all. Instead, I force myself to help out, which annoys J because I’m annoyed with the kiddos, which makes for an unpleasant bed/bath time. And then I’m annoyed because after we’re done J sits on the couch and watches TV while I’m in the kitchen cleaning up, packing the lunches (God forbid I let J pack a lunch…he does it all wrong!) and wishing I could just collapse on the couch.

When, in reality, if I stepped out of the situation and did what I wanted to do, it allows J to have his daily quality time with the kiddos and me to finish up my tasks such that we finish at the same time and can collapse on the couch together.

The should demons force me to fight against the natural flow of what my life is. I don’t want to work full time (at least not in a role that requires me to work outside my home…but give me a WASM role that allows for some flexibility? I’m all over it.) and yet I feel like I should be contributing more to our family finances than I currently do. If I were completely honest with myself, I’d admit that I’ve got it pretty good right now. If those damn should demons would sit still and be quiet, I could look around and appreciate my life for what it is.

Here’s a few things I’m really good at: running the house, keeping the kiddos on schedule, running errands, taking breaks for myself, and working on and off throughout the day. I’m good at creating a balance with all the different things I juggle. After 5 years, I better damn well be a ninja master at it.

Here’s a few things I’m not really good at: missing the kid’s school activity because I have to work, spending all day in an office or traveling and not seeing the kids in the morning and at night, having so much stress weighing me down that I can’t see the kids for the sweet little rugrats they are, and letting J take some of the household responsibilities because he doesn’t do them the way I do. It’s not that he does them wrong, it’s that I spend waaayyyy more time at home and if something is off or misplaced or the wrong brand is purchased it annoys me.

So, why….WHY….do those stupid little should demons keep coming back and biting me in the ass?

That’s my biggest Mom lesson so far. Play To Your Strengths. Embrace them and live them like the warrior-ess you are. Recognize what you’re good at with this new life that includes dependents. Do them. And tell those should demons to go suck it.

Listen to the MUSTN’TS, child,
Listen to the DON’TS
Listen to the SHOULDN’TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON’TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me–
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

-Shel Silverstein

Listen to the Should’s

Listen to the SHOULD’S, mama,
Listen to the MUST’S
Listen to the OUGHT TO’S
The HAD BETTER’S, the WOULD’S
Listen to the HAVE TO’S
Then listen to your SELF–
She knows what can happen, mama,
EVERYTHING can be.

-MBAMommy

And, now, another amazing website has picked up my blog. Remember when I wrote about the documentary, Refrigerator Mothers? Well, unbeknownst to me, the folks who put together that amazing documentary also have an amazing non-profit called JJ’s List. The site is basically a review of disability friendly businesses…mostly in Chicago but nation wide as well. Amazing, right? (Have I beat that amazing horse enough yet?)

Anyway, someone at the company and I started chatting a while back and would I mind if she profiled my blog on their monthly D-blogger review? Well, of course not!!! What an honor!

But, I had no idea how wonderful the review was going to turn out to be. J calls it a “Siskel & Ebert” style review…and it sounds like I got 2 thumbs up. Take a look and spend some time getting to know JJ’s List. They’re pretty amazing.

I am….

a mother

a wife

a sister

a daughter

an advocate

a friend

an ear

a shoulder

a heart

a brain

a body

a life

a tear

a smile

a giggle

a tickle finger

a Mommy monster

a squeeze

a hug

a kiss

a hand

a sigh

beautiful

strong

willful

independent

curious

scared

unsure

confident

loving

angry

sad

joyous

…me.

I do…

autism

a job

an exercise

a meal

some housework

a lot of talking

a lot of reading

a lot of writing

some yoga

some meditating

errands

pick up/drop off

child care

driving

discipline

…things.

There’s a difference.

I don’t talk about it nearly enough. I don’t do nearly enough.

Here’s a few things I haven’t shared.

I was educated at a private school in Miami, FL because the public school system in Dade County is/was terrible. My Dad always talks about how he went to public school in Rochester, NY and got a great education but knew when he moved us down to Miami that my brother and I would wind up in private school because his property taxes were so low. Meaning, public schools didn’t get the funding they needed.

If I hadn’t gone to said private school, I would have gotten lost in the mix and probably dropped out of high school.

Because of the foundation in education I received, I went on to college and eventually graduate school.

Last year I applied to be a Broad Resident so that I could be a part of the change we need in our public school systems. Broad Residents are graduate level (mostly MBA) educated individuals who have a desire to make a change in our school districts. They are Change Agents. J always talks about how he sees a discrepancy between how we pay teachers and how we pay Wall Street. He thinks that the reason highly educated individuals (MBAs) don’t typically go into education is because there’s not a lot of money in it. MBAs generally go to consulting firms, Wall Street firms and brand management firms where they use their education and skills to further sell products and make money. They could be the change agents needed in school districts but don’t because they don’t get paid enough. The Broad Residency helps bridge that gap.

I wasn’t accepted into the program but it peaked my interest in what’s happening in our education system.

I have a vested interest in education because I have 2 children entering into the system. I chose a private school so my children can be fluent in two languages. I also chose this private school because of the smaller class sizes and higher levels of expectations of the students. Saying that, we have also chosen to live in Cherry Creek Public School District because other school districts in the Denver area are terrible and just in case the world collapses and we can’t send our kids to their current school, I won’t have to subject my children to a bad education experience.

I also have a vested interest because if the education system continues the way it does now, my children will be competing against peers from other countries for jobs. I’d rather them be competing against Americans.

I recently watched Waiting For Superman and was literally left speechless, furious and inspired to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I’d highly recommend watching it. If you need to borrow my copy, I’ll gladly loan it to you.

I just watched a video of Michelle Rhee speak at an Ace Scholarship luncheon here in Denver last year. I want to sit and listen to her and follow her and do anything I can to help her work. She’s truly amazing. Two things she said that truly hit home for me are: “There is no more worthy work that needs to be done.” And, “Don’t underestimate our children.”

I have been searching for something to do since all of this came to my attention. I don’t know if that something is in the form of a job, volunteering, or what. I know I could give money, but that seems to be too easy. I want to DO something. My biggest pet peeve in the world is inefficiency (just ask J, he knows) and if all these documentaries and speeches are correct, inefficiency is rampant in our education system. It’s a waste. It’s our fault. And it needs to change. I’ve been telling J for years that I’m tired of making money for a big company. I’m tired of doing something that I’m not proud of at the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very good at what I do. And, what I do helps on a micro level – it benefits my own children enormously. But, my career to date can be summed up with the phrase of “putting heads in beds” (hotel slang). I’d like to do something more. Bigger. Better.

I am participating in a conference call with Michelle Rhee and her organization Students First tonight. Maybe this will help me in my search for that elusive something. Consider joining the call. It’s worth the time.

Jealous, right? I know, me too.

She’s also a surfer. And just posted on Facebook that she paddled out at 4am to see the recent lunar eclipse.

Even more jealous, right? I know, me too.

Not only that, but she’s married to this super cool guy named Bob McGee. No, not Bobby, although he’ll only roll his eyes at you if you call him that…he’s pretty tough to annoy. I know, I’ve tried. . They moved to Hawaii for the lifestyle. She surfs and he cooks. And they’re both awesome at what they do.

She also owns a coffee shop and he’s opening up a deli. And not just any deli, a deli that will make its own local, grass fed, WHOLE animal deli meat. How cool is that? If you’re any sort of green/primal/environmentally conscious person (or just someone who loves good food) you understand how important this is. Especially if you live in the middle of the Pacific where it’s pretty hard to get food shipped to you.

So, here’s the deal. He’s trying to raise funds to purchase a smoker. Not just any smoker but tha BOMB smoker (I guess…I don’t know a whole lot about smokers but he seems to think it’s the cat’s meow so I’ll take his word on it.)

Take a look at his fundraising page. If you live in Hawaii, I’d encourage you to support a budding local business. If you’re not an islander, I’d still suggest supporting him. I think what he’s doing is pretty amazing.

The Whole Ox Deli

And, while I’m only *slightly* jealous of their lives I do want to do my part to support them in any way I can. That way, I can go visit them and have a free place to stay, a built in surf instructor and chef.

Now, you’re jealous of me, right? I know.

I bet you’re wondering what WASM stands for, right? Well, these days, we Mommy’s have a lot of acronyms to describe how we live. There’s the SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), WAHM (work-at-home-mom), PT mommy (part time working mom), Mompreneur and working Mom (ok, ok, those last 3 weren’t acronyms but work with me here people, I’m trying to make a point).

Today, I’d like to introduce another acronym into our blogging landscape: WASM (work-at-starbuck’s-mom).

Because, that’s what I am. I’ve done all of the above labels (literally all) and finally settled into this new WASM model. See, I work part time. I have my own marketing consulting business (SaZa Consulting) and a few amazing clients and I love the work, the flexibility, the time spent working and not working. I love it all except my work environment. We are still renting our home and my “office” is a falling down desk filled with paper and to do’s and all sorts of crap that is NOT conducive to productivity and creativity. Our home is waaayyyy to small to be a WAHM. My printer is on the floor, under my desk and I kick it about every 5 minutes. My files are in plastic boxes on the floor next to my desk and if I want to get into any of them I have to move the plastic desk organizers that are stacked on top of them.

I know, I know, bitch bitch bitch, right? Because, you see, I have it really good. I get to work part time and have flexible hours. I get to do this for several reasons:

• Because I CAN work this way (hubby’s got a good job)
• Because I NEED to work this way (2 kiddos and lots of therapy appts requires one of us to be available during working hours)
• Because I WANT to work this way (managing 2 challenging full time careers was just too much for my little family)
• Because I HAVE to work this way (finding balance in my life is a huge priority for me so that I can do all the things I need to do to keep my little family running smoothly)

My working environment isn’t all that terrible. I do get to work in yoga pants and workout shirts and my office mate only wants a pat on her head every now and then.

My spoiled little pup...isn't she cute!

But, it isn’t ideal either. It’s cramped, crowded and there’s a million other things I could/should be doing around the house.

Enter Starbuck’s. My salvation. I can go to Starbuck’s, find a table, plug in my headphones and all of a sudden I’m like the Tasmanian devil of productivity and creativity. I get to see people but they don’t bother me like they do in an office. I get to listen to my own music. I get to be completely focused on the task at hand without external interruptions.

Can I get a Whoop Whoop?

Sounds great, right? Lemme guess, you’re gonna run out and set up shop at your local Starbuck’ right…..NOW!

Well, hold on just a minute grasshopper. There’s some things you should know about being a WASM. Not a lot, just a few. And if you can get these things down, you too can be a seasoned WASM in no time.

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #1: Bring a Sweater

Starbuck’s is cold. Really cold. Winter, summer, spring, fall. It’s cold. I didn’t get it at first. I thought, maybe they’re trying to kick me out? But, no, there’s plenty of other people that sit forever nursing their one Tall Coffee with Room. So, one day I asked if they could turn up the heat. The nice guy behind the counter said, “I’m really sorry but we don’t have control over our heating system. It’s run by a company down in Texas that manages all the Starbuck’s in the country so we can be greener with our energy usage…..But, would you like a nice hot beverage to warm you up?”

Those evil masterminds in Seattle. Not only do they get me feeling guilty for even asking to turn up the heat because now I feel like I’m the reason there’s global warming….but, damn them if they didn’t try to stick a convincingly polite upsell into it! Don’t worry, I didn’t fall for that trick.

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #2: Choose Your Spot Wisely

Comfy chair? Small table? By the window? So many options when it comes to choosing your work domain. But, there’s pros and cons to each. I’ve found that a comfy chair is ideal for doing fun stuff, like writing this blog or watching YouTube videos. But when it comes to actually getting work done, it’s much more motivating to have a hard chair under your tush. And, if you choose to sit at a table, DEFINITELY get a small one. There’s plenty of room to set up your laptop, coffee and snack but not enough room to encourage that lurker who didn’t score a table from coming to share with you. Because, really, who wants to share your work domain? By the window is preferable unless it’s next to the door (too friggin cold in the winter) and you want to be as far away from the counter as possible – less foot traffic. Extra points if you find a spot close to an outlet. If you do, you may want to call home and let them know you’ll be at Starbuck’s for the next 6-9 months but they should definitely come visit often.

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #3: Rock on With Your Bad Self

You’ve got your toons, you’ve got your got headphones, you’ve got your favorite playlist… so go on, rock on, do a little dance in that comfy chair, bob your head, shrug your shoulders to the music. No one’s looking, no one cares and it keeps your blood flowing. But, never. NEVER take a cell phone call. It’s ok if you’re with someone and talking really loudly (that’s why God invented noise canceling headphones, right?). But, if you’re doing it solo? People WILL look at you funny. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t write the rules, I’m only relaying them. Apparently talking loudly to yourself in public is taboo. Go figure.

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #4: Excuse Me, But Would You Mind Watching My Stuff?

You brought your laptop, your iPhone, your wallet, your car keys.  Hell, you brought everything of importance with you, right? So, why wouldn’t you ask some complete stranger to watch your things as you run quickly to the restroom? They’re trustworthy, right? Well, it’s a common courtesy and one of the unwritten rule of Starbuck’s. You CAN and SHOULD do that. Because you may lose that perfect spot if you take all your stuff to the bathroom. And, if you look someone in the eye and ask them to watch your stuff, it’s like an Unbreakable Vow a la Harry Potter. Your stuff is safe for the 3 minutes it takes you to tinkle.

Snape guarantees Narcissa can pee without her stuff being jacked

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #5: If You’re There Long Enough You’ll Get Free Stuff

Now, this is contrary to most eating establishments. Usually, the longer you stay, the more often you’ll get reminded that you’re taking up precious real estate and wouldyoupleaseorderanotherdrinkimmediately. But not at Starbuck’s. If you stick around long enough, they’ll come around with samples of some new yumminess you can’t say no to. And that’s just all sorts of awesome.

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #6: Give Starbuck’s Gift Cards

Because omigod you mean I HAVE to go spend this money at Starbuck’s and not on groceries, kids clothes, gas, rent, mortgage or dog food? SA-WEET!

Golden Nugget of Wisdom #7: Buy Starbuck’s Stock

I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care what city you’re in. I don’t care if there is a Starbuck’s on EACH corner of a particular intersection. If you go in, there will be a line. If there’s a drive through, there will be a line. If it’s peak hours, you will have to wait to get a table. And people are spending a minimum of $2 for a cup of coffee. Even in this economy. Seriously. We wait in line to have the pleasure of giving this company our hard earned money for over priced, burnt tasting coffee. And, it’s a little nuts that we all know their lingo. “I’ll have a grande-no-whip-half-caf-skinny-mocha”. And you get annoyed if you don’t say it in the right order ’cause you want to be as cool as they are, right? And, do I need to mention gift cards again? Between giving and receiving, Starbuck’s got $125 of my holiday spend. That’s prepaid, recognizable revenue for them. From a corporation’s perspective there’s nothing better! And for me? Prepaid excuse to get out from my crappy home work environment. It’s a win. win. win.

So, now you know. Venture forth into the world armed with this knowledge and you too can be a WASM.

You’re welcome.

##YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf has been running for two solid weeks now. I’ve found myself spending quite a bit of time on it because I find comfort, support and a little bit of awe in what I’ve read. The overall themes are that these parents, no matter what, pour their blood, sweat and tears into their children. They fight, claw, crawl, shout, yell, haggle, negotiate, and write to make the world a better place for their child. To get the support their child needs to live a quality life. They read, educate themselves, become advocates not in the name of some higher good but because they have to. They’re the only ones who will. They’re the ones living with autism day in and day out. They do it at the expense of themselves. And they do it out of love and necessity.

Overall, the single thing that is most apparent is that these parents love their children. Fiercely, determinedly, unconditionally and forever.

Hmmmm….I keep saying “they”. I should probably say “we”.

It’s hard. It’s hard as hell to constantly be proactive with your kiddo. To be understanding when you’re really just a little tired and worn out. It’s hard to have to fight with insurance companies, our government, our schools, our jobs to do what we need to do for our kids. It’s hard to have to reconsider your entire life, refocus it, accept it for what it is and eventually embrace it.

But it used to be a helluva lot harder.

According to Wikipedia,

The term refrigerator mother was coined around 1950 as a label for mothers of children diagnosed with autism or schizophrenia. These mothers were often blamed for their children’s atypical behavior, which included rigid rituals, speech difficulty, and self-isolation.

The “refrigerator mother” label was based on the assumption that autistic behaviors stem from the emotional frigidity of the children’s mothers. As a result, mothers of some children on the autistic spectrum suffered from blame, guilt, and self-doubt from the 1950s throughout the 1970s and beyond: when the prevailing medical belief that autism resulted from inadequate parenting was widely assumed to be correct. Some present-day proponents of the psychogenic theory of autism continue to maintain that the condition is a result of poor parenting. However, others merely point out that some conditions are perhaps psychological in origin rather than physiological, and that this is not necessarily a reflection on parenting skills.

In 2003, Kartemquin Films released Refrigerator Mothers, a documentary that takes a look at American mothers of the 1950s and 1960s and the blame leveled by the medical establishment for the mothers causing their children’s autism. The documentary gives voice to women who no longer accept the blame that was once common for mothers of autistic children. Making its television premiere on PBS’s P.O.V. series, Refrigerator Mothers was featured in a January 2010 issue of Psychology Today that focused on the racial and class stereotyping of autism.

Take a look at the documentary. Go ahead, click the link and settle in. It’s a little long but well worth the time. And, don’t forget to grab a box of tissues. I’ll be here waiting when you’re done.

According to Bettelheim, autism is caused by the mother’s emotional rigidity. You got that, right? So, back in the 1950s and 1960s, if a child had autism, it was the mother’s fault. And the best solution was to institutionalize said child to get them away from their mother and put them in an environment that could work on undoing all the bad the mother had done.

If you saw the movie, Temple Grandin, you probably remember the scene in the beginning of the movie where Dr. Grandin’s mother is told just that. And she refused. But, she was one of the few. Imagine that you’re told your child has no hope of communicating, no hope of leading a “normal” life….and it’s your fault. And the best thing you can do for them is to put them in an institution. We’re so programmed to believe everything a doctor tells us, it’s no wonder these parents followed that advice.

We can look back now and think, “No, I’d never do that.” or “I can’t believe they didn’t fight, that they just accepted it.” But, hindsight is 20/20. I don’t think most of us would question that authority. Especially as women in the 50s and 60s. We’d do what they said we should do and then live with the guilt and questions for the remainder of our lives.

Things are better now. Certainly not perfect, but better. Yes, there are miles to go in fighting the school systems for IEP services, Fair And Appropriate Education (FAPE) and inclusive education. Miles to go in dealing with insurance companies and government policies. Miles to go to combat bullying and lack of acceptance. But I’d much prefer that over being told I was a Refrigerator Mother.

I think @jodigomes says it best in her Tweet:

But, another HUGE reason why I love living here is because I get to continue being a guest blogger for Mile High Mamas. Once a month, they post something I’ve written about Asperger’s and Autism. We only started a few months ago so I’m still telling the story of Z’s diagnosis (haven’t read that yet? Here’s part 1, part 2 and part 3). But, I’m excited to get further into what it’s like living with autism. At least from my perspective. It’s an amazing opportunity to advocate and educate. And, frankly, I love seeing the responses I get over there.

So, take a look, follow them on Twitter, Like them on Facebook. They’re a great website, especially for Colorado Mamas, NT or no).